Bureaucratium

Investigators at the Australian National University in the ACT have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Bureaucratium (Bs).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Bureaucratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Bureaucratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Bureaucratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, a Bureaucratium samples mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganisation some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Bureaucratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

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